Brave New Girl - day 1

I'm not sure where to start, but we'll try and start here.

I'm newly single and had no choice but to leave my partner of 5 years last week. It's gut-wrenching, incredibly upsetting, and truthfully something I never saw coming. But i'm going to try and see the good.

There's so much opportunity now, and I've realised a lot about myself as well as him.

I've been in relationships back to back since I was 16... I looked to relationships for comfort, security and self worth, because these were not things I had the privilege of having sooner in my life. It's so easy to look at my ex and say he's the problem, he has all the work to do, he needs to grow and learn to love himself. All of this is completely true... but it applies to us both.

When I reflect back, I have to ask myself what the pattern is and why I seem to get myself into the same unhelpful cycles again and again. Fundamentally, I don't KNOW myself, and I haven't loved myself... but i have started on the right path with that recently and I want to keep going.

I'm ready to come home to myself.

I never want to abandon myself again, or forget who I am. I'm realising now and questioning why in moments of confusion and scary feelings, why is it my first instinct to run to other people to show me the way, give validation and comfort? I'm ready to do that for myself now.

I'm ready to be the best version of myself possible for no one other than me, myself and I. It's not about perfection. It's about showing up for myself as the woman and the person I really am.

It's sad and unfortunate that it's taken til now to see it. But my standards are higher now, and maybe this was the final piece of my old life / identity that had to go to make space for a new identity and better things. So i want to use this opportunity to find my voice and, in the process, myself again.

Day 1 of finding myself...

• Felt sad and like shit - so I took a couple hours off work. I went to a farmshop, got a lovely sourdough loaf... a BIG cookie and a cup of tea. And went to see the goats!

• Went to Sainsbury's and bought a new vase for my flowers (the old one my ex painted smashed and broke....)

• Got a purse bowl for all my random shit

• Did a workout, even though I didn't feel like it

• Changed the living room round a bit with a new rug

• Had a BANGING girl dinner - literally just cheese on toast with ham and an egg. Using the sourdough from Happy Hen's.

• Realised I was going to be OK.

Love, Oddball x